I think it’s fair to say that not everyone is as honest as they like to believe they are. Being honest is hard, it’s very real and often brings along a side that isn’t expected or liked. I've found this to be true when you’re being honest with others and even more when you’re being honest with yourself.
Recently I’ve been going through a period of questioning and self-doubt around who I think I am. As I’ve built up the courage to talk about it more, I’ve discovered it’s most probably because I’m going through a transitional stage in my life and as cliche as it sounds, a stage of finding myself and learning to be comfortable with that. I had spoken before about no longer being that ‘fun’ person, who’s always up for going out and how I feel it’s a disappointment to some. The feeling that you’re not meeting expectations is one of the worst for me, I hate letting people down and that disappointment that comes stays with me for a long time. The other real difficulty for me is when I’m fighting against being myself because I want to be accepted, easy going and just understood without any questions or judgement.
My own time on the mat is probably the most amount of time I’m actually honest with myself about who I am. Being in the shala I feel so comfortable, hardly any words are exchanged with others except sleepy Good Mornings and Excuse Me’s. It’s the only time I can really reflect on my thoughts, get lost in my own movement and feel like it’s ok to just feel. All of the outside noise is drowned out and it’s literally just me.
It’s from my yoga practice that I’ve been pushed to think outside of my normal ways and to reconsider all sorts of ideas. The meditative state provides me with that space to question the why’s to my feelings and explore it in all of its extremes, without judgement. I think getting comfortable with some of the honest and true outcomes is the tricky part. You’ve understood that things aren’t as simple or are in fact, as simple as it gets, but however that thing is, the next step is acceptance and understanding.
Some people are great at knowing who they are and being unapologetic for it, so comfortable in their own skin that they don’t let very much affect them. I’m not quite that person, yet. I think my issue, as with many others’, is that I just don’t want to be that difficult person who isn’t amiable or adaptive because let’s face it, it’s pretty annoying! Finding the balance between being bold enough to be true to you whilst still saying yes to others willingly, feels like a never ending trial and error.
Of course the more you speak about any struggles and have good, open conversations around them, the more likely the compromise will come easier. You will come to terms with who you are as a person and that ease will come through in all interactions, also no doubt those conversations to let others try to understand you will help too.
I’m slowly admitting to myself that I can’t be all to everyone and everything all the time. In the same way that not every practice will be great or each asana is achieved every time and with ease. Things do ebb and flow, be ok with that and point it out to others too. I’ve found myself apologising to so many people for not being me or being around as much, the guilt is hard but I know that I haven’t had the bandwidth to give much more to anything else. Everyone has their limitations, this isn’t a weakness but without context to others, the change can be startling and sometimes misunderstood.
I’m the first to admit I don’t practice what I preach all the time - it’s not easy stuff! But a little reminder each morning showing how ok it is to be just me is slowly giving me that self-belief off the mat too.